Thank you to everyone who entered our “Obfuscated Religious Nonsense” contest. In case you don’t remember, we challenged readers to produce garbage prose so meaningless that it would seem “deep” and “insightful” to the small-minded.
There were tons of great entries, including “Christ’s Reduction of the Cathectic Libido Into the Unconscious,” “The Illusory Conflict Between Abrahamism and Abrahamology,” and “Wudu: Mahometan Catharsis or Baphometan Idol?”
But after careful consideration, the winner is a young man named Deepak Chopra, whose “The Law Of Attraction and Sankalpa” was head-and-shoulders above the competition. He scored high on every one of our judging criteria.
* invention of plausibly-named nonsense terms:
Sankalpa is the subtlest level of intention at the cusp of choiceless awareness and thought.
* “potentiality” and “synchronicity” used in same sentence:
The fundamental mechanics of intention manifesting into reality is based on the principle that intent in the field of pure potentiality organizes its own fulfillment through the synchronicity of space, time, energy, information, and matter.
* misuse of science terminology:
It is sankalpa that holds together the web of sutras that uphold all life and interdependently and synchronistically co-arise as space-time events in the entire cosmos.
* appeal to the “infinite”:
When the individual sankalpa is aligned with cosmic sankalpa it orchestrates the infinite organizing power of the entire universe so that the individual intention becomes the cosmic intention and the cosmic intention becomes the individual intention.
* gratuitous capitalization:
An individual who is established in Being can harness the power of sankalpa to bring about the spontaneous fulfillment of any desire.
* appeal to obscure scriptures:
As the Upanishads state “You are your deepest desire.”
* utter unintelligibility:
It is like the seed structure of intelligence around which time, space, and matter consolidate into a manifested event.
Excerpts, however, cannot do this entry justice. You should really read the whole thing on Chopra’s website.
Congratulations, Deepak! I hope you’ll enter our next contest, “Prank a major medical journal!”
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I bet some of you are worried about the Swine Flu. Maybe you’re carrying around an industrial-sized bottle of Purell so you can spray down Amma before she hugs you. Maybe you’re wearing a surgical mask to keep the germs out of your nose and mouth. Or maybe you’re postponing that pork-tasting tour of Mexico that your kids bought you for your anniversary.
Well, according to Beliefnet, you’ve got it all wrong:
According to [famed epidemiological expert] Martin Luther King, Jr. there is a power in us more powerful than the power of bullets.
Is it The Power of Love? The Power of Greyskull? The Power of Orange Knickers? Not even close.
King knew that that power was the power of the Spirit. Call it a religious power, a spiritual power, the power of consciousness or whatever – it has to do with the power of the mind, joined with the power of a Divine Creator.
So don’t be fooled when it comes to this conversation about the swine flu. This flu wasn’t created on the level of the body, because no disease is. It was created on the level of the mind, and it is there that we will root it out at the causal level.
Forget about Tamiflu, believers. Forget about Relenza, about Symmetrel, about Flumadine, and about vaccination. Forget about washing your hands, about not sharing Kleenex, about trying to sneeze into your sleeve, and about curtailing your spitting. Those work on the level of the body. Those only address the “symptoms” and the “root causes” and the “viruses that transmit the flu from one person to the next”.
But what about the “internal planes”? The “Mexico is dangerous” thoughts with which we’ve been psychically burdening our neighbors to the south? The lack of gratitude we’ve been showing the Cosmos? The intuitive synchronicities we’ve been ignoring? OUR LACK OF ALIGNMENT WITH THE UNIVERSE? THE DISCONNECTS BETWEEN US AND WHAT WE MANIFEST? THE UNDERAPPRECIATED INTERACTIONS BETWEEN QUANTUM PARTICLES AND THE PRINCIPLES OF FENG SHUI? THE SPIRITUAL MESSAGES FROM OUR ANCESTORS THAT WE’VE BEEN NEGLECTING? OUR RANK AND UTTER NEGLECT AND IGNORANCE OF ANCIENT WISDOM? OUR FUTILE OBSESSION WITH THINGS LIKE SCIENCE and MEDICINE and EVIDENCE and COMMON SENSE and NOT BELIEVING IN NEW AGE CRAP?
We’re all going to die.
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