Late yesterday afternoon I heard a knock on my door. Most people who visit either have a key or ring the doorbell, so at first I thought it might be Orthodox Jews.
However, I peered out the window and saw two Mormon-looking kids standing there, so I opened the door and popped my head out.
Elder Andre: Good afternoon. I’m Elder Andre, and this is Elder Bruce. We’re from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.
Joel: Can I offer you guys a beer?
EA: No, thank you. Can we ask you a few questions?
J: Sure, I was just making a pot of coffee. Would you like a cup?
EA: No, thank you. Are you religious?
J: Not in the slightest. Do you guys mind if I smoke?
EA: We’d rather you didn’t. If you’re not religious, I bet you’re “spiritual,” right?
J: Hell, no! Would you guys like a pork chop?
EA: No, thank you. Are you familiar with Mormonism?
J: Am I familiar with Mormonism? Is the Pope Catholic? Does a bear shit in the woods? Was Brigham Young a racist? Did the prophet Moroni go into hiding to avoid being killed by the Lamanites? Was Timothy, son of Nephi, raised from the dead by his brother? Did Abinadi deliver Jesus Christ’s message to the court of King Noah at Lehi-Nephi? Are Amerindians the descendants of the Lamanites? Do aspirants to the Melichizedek priesthood study the 84th, 107th, and 121st sections of the Doctrine and Covenants? Was the doctrine of blood atonement responsible for the Mountain Meadows massacre? Can a living person, acting as proxy, be baptized by immersion on behalf of a deceased person?! WAS JOSEPH SMITH A TREASURE-HUNTING CHARLATAN?!
I mean, I may have heard a thing or two.
EA: And do you know about the love of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?
J: Know about it? I think about it all the time. A sweaty, half-naked man, all … splayed out on a cross like that? mmm… I’m starting to think about it right now! Are you sure I can’t interest you in a beer?
EA: Um, we gotta go.
J: Wait, I didn’t even get to tell you about my book! Come back anytime!