Posts Tagged ‘mormonism’

Late yesterday afternoon I heard a knock on my door. Most people who visit either have a key or ring the doorbell, so at first I thought it might be Orthodox Jews.

However, I peered out the window and saw two Mormon-looking kids standing there, so I opened the door and popped my head out.

Elder Andre: Good afternoon. I’m Elder Andre, and this is Elder Bruce. We’re from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.

Joel: Can I offer you guys a beer?

EA: No, thank you. Can we ask you a few questions?

J: Sure, I was just making a pot of coffee. Would you like a cup?

EA: No, thank you. Are you religious?

J: Not in the slightest. Do you guys mind if I smoke?

EA: We’d rather you didn’t. If you’re not religious, I bet you’re “spiritual,” right?

J: Hell, no! Would you guys like a pork chop?

EA: No, thank you. Are you familiar with Mormonism?

J: Am I familiar with Mormonism? Is the Pope Catholic? Does a bear shit in the woods? Was Brigham Young a racist? Did the prophet Moroni go into hiding to avoid being killed by the Lamanites? Was Timothy, son of Nephi, raised from the dead by his brother? Did Abinadi deliver Jesus Christ’s message to the court of King Noah at Lehi-Nephi? Are Amerindians the descendants of the Lamanites? Do aspirants to the Melichizedek priesthood study the 84th, 107th, and 121st sections of the Doctrine and Covenants? Was the doctrine of blood atonement responsible for the Mountain Meadows massacre? Can a living person, acting as proxy, be baptized by immersion on behalf of a deceased person?! WAS JOSEPH SMITH A TREASURE-HUNTING CHARLATAN?!

I mean, I may have heard a thing or two.

EA: And do you know about the love of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?

J: Know about it? I think about it all the time. A sweaty, half-naked man, all … splayed out on a cross like that? mmm… I’m starting to think about it right now! Are you sure I can’t interest you in a beer?

EA: Um, we gotta go.

J: Wait, I didn’t even get to tell you about my book! Come back anytime!


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Carter Howell and Seth Munger are a lot like you and me. They’re “just 19- and 20-year-old guys.” They’re “not different than other people.” And yet some people look at them like they’re “from a different planet.”

All because they’re Mormon missionaries:

The day begins at 6:30 a.m. and follows a schedule that includes time for prayer — both solitary and with others — and planning for the day. There is time for meals — an hour for lunch, another hour for dinner — and then more door knocking in the evening. Their curfew is 9:30 p.m. Lights out at 10:30.

Curfew may imply that somebody is watching. Not so. These young men know and embrace the rules — and follow them.

And they pay for the privilege.

That doesn’t sound that different from other people! I generally wake up around 6:30am, spend an hour on lunch, and spend another hour on dinner! I can’t always stay up much past 10:30, either. And I’ve been known to pay for “privileges,” although I’ve never used that exact euphemism. I never knew I had so much in common with the Mormons!

“Some people look at us like we’re from a different planet,” Munger said. Before becoming a missionary, he said, “I was a person, too.”

That’s when Howell said: “Tell people not to be mean to us.”

Sorry, Carter and Seth, you just lost me. When someone comes to my house and wants to lecture me about the planet Kolob, meanness is the most appropriate response. When someone rings my doorbell to convince me that a 19th-century treasure hunter was some sort of “prophet,” I’m likely to release the hounds. When someone comes onto my property to insist on the supernatural infallibility of a dogma that magically changes whenever the political winds change, I call them a “Moroni,” even if it hurts their feelings.

Anyway, according to their theology, they are from another planet. Shouldn’t they know that? It’s almost like the Standards of Worthiness don’t apply anymore!

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There are a lot of good reasons to dig up a corpse. Maybe you need the gold in his fillings. Maybe you’re trying to figure out whether former President Zachary Taylor was poisoned. Maybe you want to make a skull bong. Or maybe you just want to find out if Galileo’s vision problems might have affected some of his astronomical findings.

But you know what’s not a good reason to dig up a corpse? To baptize it into the Mormon church:

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints confirmed Tuesday afternoon that someone improperly, posthumously baptized the late mother of President Obama into the Mormon faith.

So if you’re a Mormon, you can’t drink, you can’t have coffee, you can’t do drugs, you have to dress up in stupid clothes and wander around the world trying to sign up converts, you have pretend that stupid Mormon movies like Napoleon Dynamite aren’t moronic, you have to read terrible Mormon novels about sexless pedophile vampires, and you have to wear magical undergarments to calm the urges. AND YET YOU’RE ENCOURAGED TO DIG UP DEAD PEOPLE AND BAPTIZE THEM! WHERE IS THE QUALITY CONTROL?


It has been pointed out to me that Mormons do not actually dig up the dead to baptize them. In fact, they do not baptize them at all; they just gather together in one of their Mormon caves and splash water on each other and say the name of the dead person.

In my defense, this was reported as news, which made me think that something newsworthy had happened, which a bunch of weirdos in a cave pouring water on each other and saying people’s names certainly isn’t.

You can appreciate my confusion. Thanks a lot, Jake Tapper.

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