Never let it be said that the Catholic Church doesn’t embrace change. They lifted a ban on publishing Galileo’s works only 76 years after he died, and they lifted their general prohibition on works advocating heliocentrism only 40 years after that. And only a year after the Cadaver Synod they forbade any future prosecutions of corpses.
So it should be no surprise that the Pope plans to join Facebook in 2009, only a couple of years after your mom:
The Church wants to emulate US President Barack Obama’s use of the internet, both during his election campaign and since he took office.
Hopefully, in addition to Facebook, it will include some of the following:
You can keep track at the unfortunately-named Pope2you website once it goes live (I am guessing that “Pope2U” wasn’t available, or maybe they were afraid of violating a Prince trademark).
And let me be the first to say, “Welcome to 1998!”
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There are a lot of good reasons to dig up a corpse. Maybe you need the gold in his fillings. Maybe you’re trying to figure out whether former President Zachary Taylor was poisoned. Maybe you want to make a skull bong. Or maybe you just want to find out if Galileo’s vision problems might have affected some of his astronomical findings.
But you know what’s not a good reason to dig up a corpse? To baptize it into the Mormon church:
The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints confirmed Tuesday afternoon that someone improperly, posthumously baptized the late mother of President Obama into the Mormon faith.
So if you’re a Mormon, you can’t drink, you can’t have coffee, you can’t do drugs, you have to dress up in stupid clothes and wander around the world trying to sign up converts, you have pretend that stupid Mormon movies like Napoleon Dynamite aren’t moronic, you have to read terrible Mormon novels about sexless pedophile vampires, and you have to wear magical undergarments to calm the urges. AND YET YOU’RE ENCOURAGED TO DIG UP DEAD PEOPLE AND BAPTIZE THEM! WHERE IS THE QUALITY CONTROL?
It has been pointed out to me that Mormons do not actually dig up the dead to baptize them. In fact, they do not baptize them at all; they just gather together in one of their Mormon caves and splash water on each other and say the name of the dead person.
In my defense, this was reported as news, which made me think that something newsworthy had happened, which a bunch of weirdos in a cave pouring water on each other and saying people’s names certainly isn’t.
You can appreciate my confusion. Thanks a lot, Jake Tapper.
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