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Posts Tagged ‘foreskins’

People seem very excited about an upcoming Turkish game show, in which a Priest, an Imam, a Rabbi, and a Monk attempt to convert 10 atheists to their religions each episode. (If this reminds you of the religious joke to end all religious jokes, you are not alone.)

There are two things that are stopping me from joining the excitement. First, I don’t speak Turkish. And second, the show sounds terribly boring. Trying to sell people on a religion? How is that any different from the church shows that flood the airwaves every Sunday morning, the “Muslim Power Hour” that comes on public access each Thursday morning, or “Seinfeld”?

To that end, religious programmers, I offer you some alternative religious game show suggestions:

THE RELIGIOUS MATCH GAME

“Dumb David was so dumb–”

“HOW DUMB WAS HE?”

“He was so dumb, that when he became king of the Jews, instead of collecting 100 foreskins, he collected 100 ________.”

RELIGIOUS JEOPARDY

Starting with an answer (e.g. “God exists”), you have to make up an appropriate question (e.g. “What’s something I can believe in even though there’s no evidence for it?”).

WHEEL OF RELIGIOUS FORTUNE

“Remember, the category is FACT. And there’s only one letter left: ‘_OUR RELIGION IS FALSE’. Do you want to solve the puzzle?”

“No, I’ll guess a letter. Is there a ‘P’?”

WHO WANTS TO BE A RELIGIOUS MILLIONAIRE

Players compete to see who can bilk the most money out of credulous believers. Popular tactics include overpriced devotional text-message services, suicide threats, and faith healing.

IS YOUR RELIGION SMARTER THAN A 5TH GRADER

We pit your religious scriptures against grade-school students to see who can correctly answer questions like “Is the earth 6000 years old?”

LET’S MAKE A RELIGIOUS DEAL

If you believe in Jesus, and you’re right, then you get an eternity in heaven plus what’s inside this box, but if you don’t believe in Jesus, and you’re wrong, you’ll get what’s behind door #3 (which is a goat).

RELIGIOUS FAMILY FEUD

“Introducing the Mohammed Family! Khadijah, Sawda, Aisha, Hafsa, Zaynab K., Umm Salama, Raihanah, Zaynab J., Juwayriya, Ramlah, Safiyya, Barra, and Maria, ready for action!”

WIN BEN STEIN’S CREATIONISM

Ben Stein asks you questions about evolutionary biology, and whenever you get one right he mocks you and acts as if you’re attacking him.

RELIGIOUS PRICE IS RIGHT

“And the next item up for bid is an indulgence! Manufactured by the Roman Catholic Church, it’s packed with some of the merit acquired by Jesus’s sacrifice. Get rid of those pesky temporal consequences, only with a genuine indulgence!

The one of you who bids closest to the retail value of that indulgence without going over has got some sin in your future! Now, what am I bid?”

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I’m sure you’ve heard the saga of Governor Mark Sanford, whose adulterous Argentinian tryst briefly dominated headlines last week until displaced by the untimely death of OxiClean pitchman Billy Mays.

But now, with every TV network seemingly devoted to showing Hercules Hook ads and Vince Offer interviews, you might have missed the news that Sanford has begun comparing himself to the biblical King David:

“And what I find interesting is the story of David and the way in which he fell mightily, he fell in very, very significant ways but then picked up the pieces and then built from there.”

And it’s true there are some obvious similarities between the two:

However, there are a number of parts of the David story that Sanford has yet to fulfill. I’m pretty sure I’m not alone in eagerly looking forward to the following:

Unless Bobby Jindal can pull another exorcism out of his hat, I think I know who I’m pulling for in 2012.

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foreskins!

For reasons I can’t fathom, I tend to enjoy TV shows about religion (insofar as I enjoy any TV shows). “Bibleman” is of course a favorite, as are Joel Osteen and repeat showings of Left Behind. The latest discovery on this front is NBC’s “Kings”, an attempt to retell the biblical story of King David in an alternate-history present.

It is best if you don’t think about the show too hard, as it immediately raises a number of unanswerable questions, like

* in a world where “America” instead consists of the quasi-religious kingdoms of Gilboa and Gath, why are there still Beethoven sonatas, Liszt concertos, and Mercedes automobiles?

* how is it that a civilization capable of building a modern-NYC-caliber city from scratch has so much trouble figuring out how to destroy what appear to be WWII-caliber tanks?

* haven’t any of these people read the Bible (I am sure that Beethoven did, for instance) and realized that their names and lives are exactly the same as those of the Bible characters?

In any event, I am willing to overlook these flaws, both because the acting is appealing in an oddly-Shakespearean way, and because the Michal character is cute, and because I am curious to see how they incorporate all of the relevant Biblical plot points, many of which are truly bizarre.

In particular, I am oddly excited for the “Philistine Foreskins” episode, which I can only hope airs before the show gets cancelled on account of no one besides me liking it. (Which is the same thing that happened to the show about the grumpy priest who doesn’t really believe in god, the show about the history professor who doesn’t really believe in god, and the show where Jason Bateman and David Garrison try to kill each other in every episode.

Please, won’t you watch it? Foreskins!

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