Happy Earth Day! Today is the holiest day of the year for Environmentalists, worshippers of the earth-goddess Gaia. Although Earth Day is a major holiday in California, complete with school closures, bank holidays, and reduced bus schedules, in other parts of the country Environmentalism is still a fringe religion. As you may not be familiar with its tenets and practices, allow me to quote from my book:
Although humans have worshipped various incarnations of the earth-goddess Gaia for centuries, modern Environmentalism was founded by Rachel Carson in 1962 with the publication of her book Silent Spring. Carson taught that the use of certain pesticides upset Gaia through their deleterious effects on certain birds, and that Gaia preferred that humans simply accept the possibility of death from mosquito-transmitted malaria, a disease created by Gaia herself. Following closely behind her was scientist/prophet Paul Ehrlich, who preached that Gaia demanded the cessation of economic growth and human reproduction or else she would starve to death hundreds of millions of people.
The modern-day leader of the Gaia-worshippers is former vice president Al Gore, whose Nobel-Peace-Prize-winning film An Inconvenient Truth argues that long-term climate cycles represent Gaia’s displeasure over a variety of carbon-dioxide-generating activities, and that we can appease her only by adopting radically ascetic lifestyles. Modern Environmentalists engage in a variety of seemingly-bizarre expressions of Gaia-praise:
- ritual inspection, sorting, and selective re-use of trash
- showering in the dark (or not at all)
- automobile non-ownership
- occupying trees to prevent them from being chopped down and turned into useful things
- consumption of more-expensive “organic” fruits and vegetables and dish soap
- limiting oneself to one square of toilet paper per movement
- firebombing university biology labs
- wearing pre-owned clothing
- smoking weed
- extreme self-righteousness regarding all of the above
Sure, Earth Day may not yet be in the same league as Christmas, as Yom Kippur, as Eid ul-Fitr, as Spendarmad Jashan, as Pioneer Day, as Diwali, as Maiden Voyage Anniversary, or as Buddha’s Birthday. But Environmentalism is the fourth-fastest growing religion today (after Mormonism, Islam, and Giant Stone Head Worship), meaning Earth Day will only grow in prominence in future years. Better start making money off of it before Hallmark does!